Prozac and Whimsy

So hey there, that’s a smashing blouse you’ve got on there. It’s been a while hasn’t it? A lot has gone on. A LOT has gone on.

I left my wife and that’s all I am going to say on the subject. I have my own place now. A nice little one bed flat where I can listen to music to my hearts content. I have put film and band and comic and art prints on the walls. I have stuff out on display that has lived in boxes for years and years. It’s only been a little over a fortnight but it feels like home.

I’m back at work and that was a little daunting at first but a week later and I feel like I am back in the swing of things. The noise in my brain is starting to stop again. My thoughts aren’t a million miles an hour and I can focus on things and think. Not just react blindly.

Spring is in the air. The daffodils are out. The skies are blue. The birds are singing. Everything isn’t so constantly unrelenting. I’m sleeping. I’m eating. I’m even looking at my daps and starting to think about thinking about running again.

I feel like I am waking up. I feel like I can maybe find a new me and maybe even like him. Eventually. That would be nice wouldn’t it? I have been out with friends. Friends have helped me set things up and just generally been there in ways I could never have imagined. I don’t feel alone. I feel calm and I smile and laugh most days. There is hope on the horizon and I am getting an overwhelming urge to go and see the sea.

Amongst all of this there is of course music. There will always, always be music. I’ve indulged myself a lot over the past weeks. I have listened to CDs that were packed away and aren’t on any streaming services (this is why we buy physical media people!) One night I lay on the sofa and listened to the entire discography of American Football all in a row (their new single Bad Moons is ace and hints at yet another tremendous record on the way)

But the last few days have been given over fully to Pearl Jam. As I write this I have 1998′ Yield on. An album I liked at the time but didn’t truly appreciate. I now class Low Light as one of my favourite songs. Ever, not just by them.

Pearl Jam are brilliant, the last man standing of the grunge scene (don’t come at me, you know I’m right) and still putting out great albums and tremendous live shows. They don’t get anywhere near the praise they deserve as they just keep carrying on. As sure as the tides roll in and out Pearl Jam will release a new record and tour the world. And they make it all look so easy all the time.

Pearl Jam emerged on the scene in 1991 with arguably the greatest debut album by anyone ever, Ten. Ten is as near a perfect album as you can get. I can find just one single fault with it and that is that it has eleven songs on it. Get rid of one or call it Eleven. This shouldn’t even be an outlandish thing to say it’s just common fucking sense.

But what song would you get rid of Edna‽ I hear you cry. Oceans. It’s clearly, obviously Oceans. And it’s not even like Oceans is a bad song, it isn’t at all but that is not the point we are making here.

For the longest time I not only wanted Alive played at my funeral I wanted it to be timed so the “Woooah aaaah aaaah I’m still alive!” bit was playing as the curtain closed around me and I was yeeted into the oven. Because even in death I want to be as funny as I think I am.

We’ll end this one on a boring serious note. I want to thank everyone who has been there for me over the last fuck knows how long. I had been slowly falling apart and limping along for what now feels like forever. That the wheels finally came off is no real shock. I am truly heartbroken that I “had” to hit rock bottom before anything happened. But the future is bright. I’m excited about life and all that it has to offer. If my future has you by my side in love and laughter then thank you. I’ll see you at the front, singing my little heart out.

I’m still alive x