Prozac and Whimsy

The last time I saw my children was on a retail park car park in Kidderminster in the spring of 2012. We had met my mother and her partner there for the halfway handover. I said “see ya mate” to my son and told my daughter I loved her and we all walked out of each others lives. Obviously we didn’t know at the time that was what was happening. But looking back I probably really should have. Hindsight is funny like that isn’t it?

It was my daughter’s 27th birthday the other week. I didn’t send a card or mark the day, those ships have long since sailed and sunk. Plus I wouldn’t even know where to send anything these days. We’ve had no contact since 2017. I still have the email she sent apologising for the behaviours of the past but that they, her and her brother, didn’t want any contact moving forward. I still replied.

I thanked her for her apology and offered my own. she was just a kid caught up in a bad situation. They both were, but she was manipulated to do and say things that no child ever should. I told her I respected and understood her wishes but if she ever reached out I’d always reply as I am her dad, she is my daughter and I’d always love her. She never wrote back.

This is forever.

When I was ill, like properly, seriously, shit I might fucking die here ill, in 2019. Sals contacted them both telling them what was going on and just how ill I was. Neither acknowledged the messages.

This is forever.

Over the years I’ve struggled with what to say when people ask if I have kids. No feels wrong but then so does yes. They both feel like lies. So I go with “it’s a long story.” And most people leave it at that.

I’ve thought about them a lot of late. I miss them both. But what I have come to realise is I miss people who don’t even exist. I miss the kids they could and should have been. And in turn I miss the adults they could have been. I have no idea who they really are or even what they do. I know my daughter has a kid of her own now. I don’t know their name or even their gender. I can’t know. Knowing would hurt too much. Knowing and not being able to do anything about it would drive me insane. So I don’t know and I don’t think about it because I can’t.

’cause this is forever.