Prozac and Whimsy

I was born Benjamin Dean on an August Thursday in the late seventies. Dean because my dad wanted me to share the same middle name as him, a tradition that started and ended with me. Benjamin because mother’s maiden name was Bennett and she was known as Ben to everyone. Ben Dean apparently “sounded like a cowboy” so the superfluous jamin was added. From the get-go I was just Ben unless I was in trouble then I was always a Benjamin unless I was REALLY in trouble then it was the full title. I’ve never really liked my name and always planned to change it as soon as I was aware that that was even a thing that was possible. I used to dream of being a Sebastian, Seb to my friends, As if a new name would have magically have changed everything about me.

Nicknames are a massive part of Dad’s side of the family, none of us are known by our real names these can range from the obvious Ju for Julie Anne, to the bullseye accuracy of Slim for Les, to the context needed of Pye for my Dad. He’s called Pye because it’s short for Magpie as he would steal anything (shiny) that took his fancy. It is important to note here that he isn’t a thief as such, we wouldn’t break into your house or steal anything off a person, he wouldn’t shoplift, commit fraud or steal money but… pilfering materials from a building site he was working at? Totally acceptable. Glasses from a pub, standard. Ashtrays from the pub bit more outlandish but ok. A picnic bench from a beer garden, apparently fine. He’s the man who once told me that if it isn’t screwed down, take it and if it is go find a screwdriver as it’ll be worth more. But advice from Pye is topic for another day.

My family name is Gupta. A name I hated and fought for years which only served to embed it fully, cousins call me Guppy, aunts and uncles call me Gupt. Dad calls me Gupta. This is a context needed name and the story it stems from sounds horrific but the 80s were a different time so with that in mind as a suitable spoiler…

We were at Slims house and the MEB meter reader came round. He was an Asian/Indian gentleman, something I had only seen on the telly at the time and to be more precise something I had seen on Only When I Laugh an hospital based sitcom that first aired in 1979 that I have absolutely no memory of but can only assume won’t have aged well. Anyway I in my childlike innocence was sure this poor fella who was just trying to do his job was the fella off the telly and called him Gupta (Wikipedia tells me the character was actually called Gupte) Repeatedly. This was hilarious to (almost) everyone involved and I have been Gupta ever since.

Outside of family I was always Ben until I hit my teens. If you are of a certain age you’ll no doubt remember The Big Breakfast, the channel four breakfast show aimed at the youth. It was fun, it was anarchic, it had a nerdy kid called Ben the Boffin who reviewed video games. I was a nerdy kid called Ben who liked video games so I was Ben the boffin, shortened to Boffin and occasionally shortened to Boff. I have one friend who still calls me this but know there are people who would know exactly who he is talking about when he refers to me as it. Around this time I was still blessed with hair and there was a brief attempt to rename me Beaker, after the muppet, thankfully this didn’t take as Boffin was firmly set in stone, but ironically I am the spit of Bunsen Honeydew nowadays.

Next Came Edna. This is a story I have told a million times before but if you’re new, here are the relevant highlights. When I was a kid Edna used to be an old woman who picked up rubbish off the streets and took it all home. I used to work in a factory with one of those types who had to have everything neat and tidy in a row and we tried to christen him as Edna but he was already named Polo (a nickname I have never agreed with) So we, his team, became Team Edna (there are tattoos and everything) When I started dipping my feet online I signed up on forums as TEAM EDNA (all caps always) And then slowly but surely I lost the caps and then the team and Edna Watkins was born.

Edna and Ben coexisted for a long while, Ben lived in the real world and Edna was the voice in his head who lived online. Ben was lonely and lost, Edna had friends and was funny and popular and had found his place to thrive. The worlds merged and I met the love of my life and some of the best friends I’ve ever had.

In 2012 a LOT happened both Edna and Ben got wiped out and I wanted to disappear. Mrs Edna suggested I start a blog to document everything that was going on and try and maybe help others who were going through the same thing. James Josiah appeared like a bolt of the blue. I spent the next ten years or so living as James, the only place I was Ben was at work. JJ took over he wrote and edited books, performed poetry, made friends. He lived a good life.

Over lockdown I had whatever the opposite of a breakdown is and found Ben again. I didn’t think I’d ever want to write again and found a weird peace with myself that I had never experienced before. All the background noise had gone, I was happy, truly happy to just be.

2025 has been weird, things have happened and I’m not sure who I am anymore. Edna is coming back to the fore, the noises are starting and I have a buzz about me that I’ve not felt in a long while, it’s probably all the Prozac but we’ll come to that at another time.

If you knew me as words on a screen before meeting me in the flesh, you’ll know me as Edna. If you knew me in the flesh first I’ll either be JJ or Ben but this is a reset to find who I am again using words on a screen.

So Edna it is then.